[Charz] Carnage Homicide

Everyone saw the beauty, no one saw the pain.

2009-03-27T01:59:00.000-07:00

You have no idea how much my heart bleeds for you.

I don't want you living your life like that, so enigmatic. You need to tell people more about you. Your turmoil.

You can't let people treat you like that, thinking you're completely immune to it, when you really aren't; when it's eating you up inside, you and I both know it.

I love you for who you are, really. I'm your friend, no matter what. I would never treat you the way they do. I don't care what people tell me about you. Unless it comes from you, I don't want to believe it.

I know you tell me lie after lie, but I believe you. No matter what you say,

I will believe you.

---

The little cracks, they escalated,

And before you know, it's too late,

For making circles and telling lies.

-Lies, Glen Hansard

I went from zero to minus ten.

2009-03-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've lost you.

I feel like you've been replaced.

I feel like you're so many miles apart; most of the time you actually are.

I needed you, but someone else was there for me.

Someone who actually made me feel like I had someone to talk to.

Fin.

2009-03-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Will you stay strong as you promised?

Cause I'm stranded and bare..

---

I spent today trying to finish up my homework that I haven't completed with my best friend.

Lately I've been partying, drowning my emotions in alcohol and other things. I'm such a mess, no one knows. Not even him. He's a good guy; a good friend, but he doesn't notice some things. I like it that way, I like to keep a part of me private. At some point I stopped caring about what people thought of me, I'm so hollow inside.

I feel so broken.

Mac City.

2009-03-13T05:08:00.000-07:00

I've just gotten a new laptop, I love it so much. It's caused me a whole lot of problems, but I think I've dealt with them for now. All I have to do now is get back home and try out the connection there, because so far the wireless connection for my laptop has been just so awful, so there really was nothing I could do but write my essay for literature.

I'm in Mac City in Cineleisure, one of the girls really reminded me of someone I know. Older replica. My friend just left, so I'm left here with nothing else to do but update my blog listlessly.

---

I could swear that was a teacher passing by.

Why?

2009-03-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

I couldn't stop. Why couldn't I stop?

It's too late.

Addiction.

2009-03-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

Flirt, kiss, sex...
I'm hooked on you; I need a fix.
I can take it, just one more hit.
I'll handle it, quit it;
Just one more time, then that's it.
Just a little bit more to get me through this..

I really can't keep doing this.

I'm contradicting everything I was against; everything I believed in.

I have to stop.

For her.

Just a girl.

2009-03-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like a giddy schoolgirl in love.

..well maybe cause I am one.
Love, maybe not, but well, something similar or close to that.

Something so different.

I'm so glad I found you. Well, you found me, but it's the same thing.
I've never felt so.. Complete. Like nothing could make me happier than spending time with you, watching lame shows together and me cuddling up against you, crying, when one of my favourite characters die.
(Don't laugh, one would grow attached to the characters!!)

I love every second I spend with you, even when you're complaining about how you hate your school uniform.
I think it's cute.

My feelings for you, right now, are as strong as it can ever get.

---

School today was excruciatingly boring.
I skipped History and hung out with my class teacher, she's super cool. Involved in a lot of school things.

I'm going ice skating again this Saturday, would you care to join me, internet?

Bliss

2009-03-04T03:03:00.001-08:00

This is the most indestructive relationship that I've ever had. All my previous relationships used to kill me a little bit every day.

It's a really really nice change. For once, I don't have to worry about saying something, or doing something wrong, I know you'll accept me for who I am. No matter what happens.

I'll accept you for who you are, too.

---

Today, Rauf, Adam and I talked about what would happen when we grow up.

If we were to have a friend; someone we're close to in school, and live with them as roommates while we're in university or college, who would it be?

I picked Raz. He's a cool guy, he doesn't judge or make fun of anyone to their faces. To their backs, sure, but only about people he isn't close to. To be honest, I do the same. Doesn't everybody?

Adam and Rauf wanted to live together with Eezzuan, and use Bryan as their guard dog. He's not that intimidating as he is, but they planned to dress him up in a spartan warrior outfit to repel unwanted guests. ...skin exposure, ew.

Somehow or another that conversation got to what if we each had a level of hell; what we would do with it.

Rauf wanted to create a demon army of some sort.

I wanted my lesbian land.

Adam wanted.. A coconut land.

Hannah wasn't there, so we decided for her. She could have a land for emos. There would be a starbucks and borders there for her. She would love that place.

We were that jobless while waiting for our transport back home.

The listener.

2009-03-03T16:44:00.001-08:00

I listened to everything you had to say; everything you needed to say. Was it so hard to listen to me for once?

I'm stuck in class with you everyday, I know all about you. You know things, but you act dumb to hide that fact. Sometimes things people say really do waft by your ears.
You're complicated, but i've figured you out. You take different traits from different people. You find out their best traits and adopt them. Having none of your own that actually stands out. You've taken enough from me; you even admitted it yourself.

There are some things that I want only myself to have, I even confronted you about it, but you just smiled and said;
"I know."

You did nothing differently after that, and it really pisses me off. Don't copy something I'm really proud of; something only I have, and take it as yours.

---

I love art projects or anything that requires me drawing.

Brooke can draw cool tattoo designs!

---

"The art of love.. Is largely the art of persistence."
-Albert Ellis

Wise girl.

2009-03-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

I read this somewhere. And I really liked it. I would have written down the name of the author here, but I forgot who she was.
It went something like this;
"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love.
listens but doesn't love.
And leaves before she is left."

Clearly, I am no wise girl.

---

When you came in, the air went out,
And every shadow filled up with doubt.

Baby, you have no idea how you make me feel.
My heart, it beats, it beats for only you..

I remember you being so persistent, I don't know why anyone would ever work that hard to just be with me. You've rendered me to a stuttering.. Human.
You know, it feels like you're the only Brooke in the entire world.

The entire world. I hear that's big.

Young Love.

2008-10-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

Truth hurts. Whereas a lie can be disproved, the truth persists. You can accept it, hide from it or be consumed by it.

---

They say you should be happy when you're young. But nobody listens to a teenager. Nobody cares what you think. They may pretend to listen, but in the end, you're just wasting your breath. It's pointless to try and make sense. But no matter how much people want it to be true, love isn't forever. Love is work, understanding, compromise, and commitment. love is supposed to be nurtured or it dies. You see, what young love lacks in direction, it's made up for in strength.

---

Those moments that I spent with you, those beautiful moments that I would never, ever forget.. those moments, as beautiful as they are, they're evil when they're gone.

Asdfghjkl

2008-10-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

So I spent my day hanging with Alia, Haneez and Amira.

My body hurts. Amira hit me a few times. I'm fine.

We watched house bunny. I already watched it, but I watched it again since Alia already bought then tickets.

Nothing to blog about. Pfft.

Whispers in the dark.

2008-10-26T09:34:00.001-07:00

I can’t sleep. I’m waking up, sleeping, and waking up again.

This isn’t much of a problem now since I don’t have any lessons anymore. My wretched mother still forces me to attend school, though.

I feel like screaming.

Tomorrow I have plans to head out to cineleisure and meet up with Alia and Haneez. I haven’t got the slightest clue to whether my mother would change her mind. There’s a high chance for that since I’ve been out for what, 3 days in a row? Ugh. I miss my computer. It’s been forever since I could use it. My father keeps hogging it. I can’t blame him, though; since it’s for his work.

I’m so desperate for a good run.

Beauty through broken glass.

2008-10-26T09:27:00.001-07:00

I need someone to wake me up from this state of delusion I find myself living in. I can’t tell the difference anymore. I can’t.

I need something that would wake me up. Even for a while. Even for a fraction of a second. I need to tell so badly.

It’s like I’m an empty shell of a human being. Waiting for a miracle to occur.

I feel like I’m wasting my time; my life. I think I should be doing more, and yet I find myself not reinforcing my thoughts. . It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

---

You're so beautiful. It's like you're a princess that escaped from a fairytale that I've never heard of.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're so beautiful you break my heart.

Bored.

2008-10-14T21:23:00.001-07:00

I am currently waiting for my history exam to start.

Once again, nothing is going into my head. Adam is beside me, Rauf behind me, Raznil beside Rauf, and Shafiq at the far end somewhere. Sporting his new haircut. His.. moderate haircut. No offense intended. Not much anyway.

2008-10-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Whoa. It's been a while since i actually posted anything. I suck.

Anyway. I've been busy studying (believe it or not) so i've been deserting this blog. True, i don't post even when i'm not studying, but i just had the urge to post SOMETHING today.

I'm eating a bun in my room. Nothing better to do, I was trying to study but nothing went into my head.

Beloved phone.

2008-08-03T09:25:00.001-07:00

Okay, so i started my day with eating. The best way possible to start my day.
Found out my friend was moving back to another country. Broke my heart to find that out, it kind of ruined my day. And probably would ruin my next few days. Yes, andy, i expect you to say something like, "keep ya head up, it'll get better" or something close to it.

Spent my day wanting to shoot myself. I watched gay movies almost the whole day in attempt to cheer myself up, but to no prevail. Moped through my day.
My dad noticed something was off with me so he decided to treat me to japanese food. I was too bloated to remember about my pain. One thing that always made me feel better, phones. I started hunting for another phone for me to set my sights on. Just another one for my collection. Phones are my forte.

Wanted to get an n73, just for the kicks. I know who has what phone, it's my nature. One phone i spent my time looking at a lot. Nokia n95. I really should start finding things to divert my thoughts off that person. Pain. Hurt. Confusion. Ugh. That's all i feel when i think about her.

Well, whatevs, tomorrow's another day. Another chance at things. Like you say, andy,

beijos, xxx

31 ways to make a girl smile

2008-07-26T04:23:00.000-07:00

1. Tell her she is beautiful

2. Hold her hand at any moment … even if it’s just for a second.

3. Hug her from behind

4. Leave her voice messages to wake up to.

5. Wrestle with her

6. Don’t go hang out with you ex when she is not with you, you might not realize how badly it hurts her.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, when you’re done talking, walk over and hug her and kiss her….let her know she’s yours and they aren’t.

8. Write her notes or call her just to say “hi”

9. Introduce her to your friends … as your girlfriend.

10. Play with her hair.

11. Pick her up

12. Get upset if someone touches her and she doesn’t like it

13. Make her laugh

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms.

15. If she’s mad at you, kiss her.

16. If you care about her, then TELL HER

17. Every person should give their girl 3 things: a stuffed animal (she’ll hug it every time she goes to sleep), jewelry (she’ll treasure it forever), and one of her t-shirts (she’ll most likely wear it to bed) or sweatshirts sprayed with your perfume/ cologne!! And flowers or something occasionally.

18. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you’re alone.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile.

20. Hang out with her on weekends

21. Kiss her in the rain

22. Kiss her just for the heck of it

23. If your listening to music, let her listen too.

24. Remember her birthday and get her something, even if it’s simple and inexpensive, it came from YOU. It means all the world to HER.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it, even if you don’t (it’ll make her happy.)

26. Always call her when you say you will, it may not seem like it, but it does hurt her and makes her think you don’t care so call even if you can only talk for a minute. Girls don’t necessarily have to have hour long conversations every night but it’s nice for us to hear your voice even for a quick hello.

27. Give her what she wants.

28. Recognize the small things … they usually mean the most.

29. Don’t hug her friends or your friends that are girls cause she’ll feel left out.

30. Hang out with her whenever you are free and u should be free to hang wit your girl friend all the time

31. If u care about her…SHOW her!

Faith.

2008-07-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

I learned a valuable lesson in faith recently. You give it to the people you love. But the people who really deserve it, are the ones that come through, even when you don't love them enough.

2008-05-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

[Charz] I kissed a girl, and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick. says (8:05 PM):
why do you keep saying you're someone's mother?
Michelle says (8:07 PM):
cause I'm your mother
[Charz] I kissed a girl, and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick. says (8:07 PM):
WTF
[Charz] I kissed a girl, and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick. says (8:07 PM):
MUMMY?
Michelle says (8:08 PM):
yes daughter.
[Charz] I kissed a girl, and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick. says (8:08 PM):
mummy, this is messed up.

2008-05-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

When I have no one to turn to
And I am feeling kind of low,
When there is no one to talk to
And nowhere I want to go,
I search deep within myself
It is the love inside my heart
That lets me know my Angel is there
Even though we are miles apart.

A smile then appears upon my face
And the sun begins to shine.
I hear a voice, so soft and sweet
Saying, 'Everything will be just fine'
It may seem that I am alone
But I am never by myself at all.
Whenever I need my Angel near
All I have to do is call.

An Angel's love is always true
One that you can depend.
They will always stand behind you
And will always be your friend.
Through darkest hours and brightest days
Our Angels see us through
They smile when we are happy, and will cry when we are blue..

Thanks for being my Angel, my friend
I will be there for you until the end.

I want you to know. Andy, You're my angel.

I wish I loved you.

2008-05-22T05:41:00.000-07:00

It Saddens me every time I hear your name,
Racing thoughts in my head left unexplained.
I understand how much my heart means to you,
Seems my heart wont let your emotions through.

It kills you inside waiting on those words,
Something I hold in that wont be heard.
You tell me how much we are meant to be,
Truthfully, my heart is scared of being happy.

Everyday you call me asking how I am,
Not knowing deep inside, I try as much as I can.
Please open those beautiful eyes and see,
I am trying love you as much as you love me.

I can't express to you the way my heart feels,
Compared to you I don't believe anything’s real.
My emotions for you I can’t seem to let show,
A bleeding heart for I know you won’t let me go.

How can I have a beautiful girl in front of my face,
Wanting to be with me always in no other place.
I'm ashamed of myself wasting all your time,
You are praying for the day I make you mine.

Baby, I will always be there,
However it is nothing compared to everything you've shared.
Wondering when my daily wish will come true,
The day my heart speaks back I love you too.

2008-05-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

Today, I found myself drawing at a quiet corner of my class. I found it nice, for once no one was asking me things and mentioning.. indecent things. 0_0. I’M INNOCENT! Shafiq didn’t come to school today cause he was sick or something. I was supposed to go to Phelan’s house to finish up my geography project but he forgot he had tuition so I ended up not going. Sniff.. I have to go get my pendrive from his house now.

Beijos. Xxx

Not even for a second would I lie to myself, too many things missing, There's a tear in my eye.

2008-05-17T01:35:00.000-07:00

I woke up after Lauren came to my house in the early morning. 2 o’clock early enough? She came just to check on me. I'm surprised I could even wake up at 12 this morning. I slept at 5. SO UNHEALTHY. I need more sleep. =D. I’m sitting in my room with the air conditioning on. It’s supposed to be off to save the environment, but my mother can’t live without air conditioning so I just had to leave it on. I enjoy having the air conditioning on anyway. =\.

Things get so darn crazy.

2008-05-16T02:12:00.000-07:00

This blog is dedicated to Andy. =].

Today was okay, Wen Yi, Martin and I were hanging out in Phelan’s house. Phelan spent his WHOLE day playing maple story, I was just staring at him blankly. His character was lvl. 158 or something, but it was in a private server, so yeah. =_=. Ahaah.

And I spent the day eating, maybe sleeping a bit. Sleeping on Phelan’s bed was VERY awkward, cause all of us were trying to fit on his single bed while he was playing maple. Since I was the first one there, I was in the middle. IT’S SO AWKWARD. Wen Yi was holding on to my right arm, Martin was pushing up against me with his arm on my belly, and later on Phelan joined us and was sleeping at the bottom of the bed. Wen Yi’s boyfriend Marcus then later came over to hang with her a bit.

At 12:20, Marcus gave us a ride back to school. We waited for a crowd to come out from the school before we went into the crowd and blended in. The first familiar face I saw was Alia. Running towards me. I was expecting a hug, but oh well, I got hit on the shoulder instead. =]. She was pissed at me cause she thought that I didn’t go to school since I didn’t show up today. Next familiar face, Adam. Who made, “Hey, shorty”. His new greeting for me. YES I KNOW I’M SHORT. Next familiar face, Wani, who also hit me. And then there’s Haneez, that hugged me, (FINALLY). And then she nagged me about the fact that I shouldn’t skip school anymore.

And then she took the liberty to nag me again online.

Haneez says (4:52 PM):

charz!

'Charz says (4:53 PM):

heyy = ]

Haneez says (4:53 PM):

dont skip school anymore

'Charz says (4:53 PM):

O_O

Haneez says (4:53 PM):

i miss you like bitch!!!

'Charz says (4:54 PM):

i missed you too babe. XD

Haneez says (4:54 PM):

yeah!

Haneez says (4:54 PM):

so dont skip school

Haneez says (4:54 PM):

okkkkkkkk!!!!!!

'Charz says (4:56 PM):

maybe maybe. = ]

Haneez says (4:57 PM):

cause without you in school, i'll be damn silent and unhappy